Fundamentals of Society-Building: Effective Parenting of Children in Formative Years (How to Start off Children in the Way They Should Go).

Proper parenting is godly parenting. God has a purpose and plan for the family. God is sovereign in that the book of Genesis, the record of the beginnings, has it that "In the beginning God..." We read this in Genesis 1:1.

This speaks to the fact that life is all about God. It is clear that apart from God there is nothing else. No God, no beginning; no creation. It is that simple. We must understand this as it also speaks to the fact that God assumes sole ownership - patent right over all creation. Hence, God dictates and decrees the way. We read in Genesis 18:17-19, the demands of God as he apparently boasted about his friend Abraham. That he was fully aware that Abraham would unfailingly direct his children and household after him to follow God's way by obeying all his commands. God was confident that Abraham would be a role model in children's proper upbringing. We thus realise that God's purpose and plan for the family is that the name of God should be transmitted from one generation to all future generations of each family without fail. Exactly what God knew that Abraham would achieve. Further in Deuteronomy 4:9-14, God charged all Israeli parents to instruct their children to follow the way of the LORD God. God spoke about directing children. Yes, that is, directing children in the way God himself has decreed. Any other way apart from that which God commanded would produce a riotous crop of children who will grow up to become all forms of evil doers. This is sadly what obtains in our world today.

Researchers in recent times have discovered the most critical period of a child's life when they can learn with the greatest ease and run with whatever they learn at that given period of their development. This period of life is known as the "formative years," referring to ages 0 years to 3 years, especially, and up to age 5 years to 8 years, depending on the rate of development of each particular child in question. At this period of time, a child forms more than fifty percent of their personality and character traits. After this period of time in a child's life, nothing else can be done to alter whatever personality or character they have assumed. Even at times when the person has experienced conversion through faith, it takes the transforming power of the Holy Spirit to achieve any deviation, if at all. At birth, a child has all it takes to be an adult deposited in them. This is why the concept of "tabla rasa" canvassed by ordinary educational psychologists, that a child's brain is blank, ready to receive only what is keyed into it by parents, teachers and the environment does not add up at all to some people who know better. The concept of a child having full potential at birth is corroborated in spiritual terms: Addressing followers of Christ in 2 Peter 1:1-4, the apostle Peter noted that all that spiritually born persons needed for godly living has been provided at the point of spiritual birth (at the time they were born again). Hence, like physical, like spiritual: Everything necessary for growth has been deposited in the individual child at birth. Development occurs only in the direction of parents, teachers, guardians or mentors' instructions, nurturing and training - that is, parenting. Thus physical and spiritual parents provide resources for learning processes which make for growth through knowledge. Knowledge is essential for growth to occur. Growth must occur in order to sustain life. Without growth, therefore, life ceases. This is very important for our instruction so that we avoid being complacent in learning and helping children to learn in order to grow. All of life consists in learning and growing; no more, no less. We are what we know! That is a mysterious fact.

Here are some noteworthy nuggets that guarantee your success in training a child to become responsible and useful, derived from extensive study and functional experience by this author. These, though seemingly simple, have been proved to be working like miracles.

1. Give a child only positive instructions from day one of birth: Say "do" and not "don't." A child will not understand "don't" even if they do hear it. All a child is wired to hear and understand as well as respond to is "do." Life is all about learning from day one to final day on earth. Whoever stops learning begins to die. Hence, don't assume a child should have known. You are responsible to teach a child mostly what you want them to learn in order to become well-behaved and useful. We learn by doing. This is the surest way to inculcate obedience, which is the foundation of good character, in a child's mind. With obedience in place, the rest desirable chacter traits in a child's mind would be achieved as a matter of smooth walk-over.

2. Refrain from giving a child an instruction you are not prepared to follow through, that is, insist until they obey. Lovingly insist until a child learns what you want to teach them. A parent is a teacher, the most influential one for that matter.

3. Never restrain a child from joining you to carry out a task, knowing full well they cannot do it. Rather guide the child to engage in the task until they discover that they cannot carry it out at their current age. Of course their attention span must have waned at that point too and they must be itching to get doing something else, especially joining their playing peers. Praise them and promise them they are growing up to carry out such tasks very soon. This is how to ensure your child will not decline assignments when they become of age. This also builds a curious hope for growth in a child thus reinforcing their proper development.

4. Do not call a child offensive names or use derogatory expressions on them. Avoid names like "goat," "sheep," "fool," "cry-cry baby," "Mumu," "useless," "idiot," "deaf," "stubborn," "block-head," "stupid," "naughty," name it... A child tends to develop along the line of the names they hear you call them or how you describe them. This is as serious as it is equally curious.

5. Never, ever, curse a child. Your word has tremendous effect. Consider that this whole world came into being just by word. Even man is inclusive. That time God said, "Let us make man in our own image," was the time man was created. The forming of the body was just the end result. Instead, bless a child. Your child is a blessing, an inheritance, so keep them within blessedness.

6. It is possible not to use a cane on a child in formative years if you begin from the womb to condition the child for learning obedience by always giving positive instructions and following them through each time. The first port of call for a baby is a frown from a parent, followed by a gentle spank on the back or bonbon of a child, depending on how they respond to the initial disciplinary gesture. Of course each measure will go with a positive instruction directing the child to stop the wrong doing, which must always be followed through as well. A cane can be first shown a child towards the last stage of formative years (3 years to 5 years or up to 8 years, for very slow developers), depending on the rate of development of a particular child.

7. Never suspect a child and never accuse a child falsely, or, if possible, even at all. Always demand an explanation from a child. And do not punish a child when they tell you the truth in innocence. A note of warning based on the truth they told you should be enough to correct a child.

8. Never lie to a child and never accuse a child of telling you lies. Always tell the truth to a child. Always demand the truth from a child. Truth is a weapon and not a weakness. Truth saves, it does not jeopardize or kill, in the long run. Conversely, lie is the native language of the devil, according to Jesus Christ (John 8:44).

9. Condition a child to keep the peace and not to fight back. Teach a child justice by directing the child to report offenders to a superior person. Treat every complaint brought to you justly and ensure that the offender apologizes to the offended child always and so make peace between the children involved in the squabble.

10. Condition a child to learn forgiveness instead of revenge or bearing a grudge. At best, a child could be conditioned to express pain caused by an offender and demand an apology from the same offender. A child should be conditioned to accept apologies like "I'm sorry" or "Please forgive me." A child should be made to realize that they too are prone to offend others. That they too would need to apologize and need to be forgiven.

11. Always answer a child's questions frankly. Apologize if you do not have a genuine answer to a child's question and endeavor to find the answer to each question for discussion in the future. Never dismiss a child's questions with a wave of the hand, claiming to be occupied, with especially visitors.

12. Always love a child whether they are obedient or not. It depends on you to teach a child obedience and note that some children inherit bad character traits from their own parents. Love must be without conditions. Moreover, never compare your children with themselves or other children. Each child is unique. God made it so. God is the author of well-known individual differences and nobody can alter them. Therefore demonstrate love equally to every child.

13. Insist on obedience to instructions but recognize the reluctance to obey arising from natural bent. Identify reluctance to obedience out of a child's self-will and do your best to correct the child patiently. Be patient with a child that shows reluctance to obedience arising from natural bent. Note that it takes conscious, mature will power and conversion as well as transformation to defeat the natural bent, and the child is yet within the age of innocence. Do not, however, join the bandwagon of those who say the child should be left alone. That the child will learn when they have grown. That has been the cause of the disaster happening in contemporary society. Nature abhors vacuums, thus, a child must learn something, right or wrong.

14. "Starting a child off on the way they should go" (Proverbs 22:6), means that you, as a parent, must be going that same way yourself, first and foremost. You dare not point a child to go in one direction while you, yourself, would choose to go in an opposite direction. Children quickly identify, resent and resist such hypocrisy. And hypocrites, mind you, are under a curse (Matthew 23:13).

15. Condition a child for regularity. Have a time-table of all major activities, especially chores, in the home. This teaches a child time-management.

16. Condition a child to keep everything in its place and have a place for everything. Furthermore, a child must learn to keep things in the condition he met them, unless they were wrongly positioned at first. Example, a child must close a door behind him after opening same door to access the room or office and vice versa. This way, a child learns organising things and self.

17. Never discipline a child in anger. Possible? Yes! It is possible to confront a child with disciplinary measures but not in anger. You must learn to control your emotions while confronting a child with discipline. Otherwise, they will not understand the difference between your rage and the disciplinary gesture. They would fight you in reaction to your rage if they were big enough! Meanwhile, they will begin to develop thick skin against discipline. They will react with anger instead of remorse to angry discipline. This will show boldly on their own angry faces too. So be careful.

18. Always identify the reason a child cries. Do your best to remove the cause of the discomfort causing the crying to have your own peace too. Discomforts are often caused by hunger, thirst, sweating, dozing for sleep, itching, bowel movements, illness (observe baby's body temperature for possible fevers), dirty body or clothes, wetness of diapers, exasperation, negligence etc.

19. Love your spouse deeply enough to help your child develop to be loving, responsible and useful. Husband and wife are designed as couples by God the creator. This is captured in the "one flesh" and "let no man separate" commands by the creator. None of the spouses should so much as dream to uncouple from the love (one flesh) bond for any reason, excuse or condition. This is very crucial. Children are products of love by God's mysterious design. Hence, they form and flourish within an environment of love. A broken marriage/home is thus the breeding ground of delinquent children, including terrorists.

20. Condition a child  for cleanliness, whether cleanliness is next to godliness or not. God gave Israel detailed regulations for hygiene and environmental sanitation, apart from the ceremonial laws, (Read the book of Leviticus). It is well known perhaps that healthy living stems directly from keeping clean, including always washing hands with soap and water from a running tap or reservoir. The importance of ordinary soap and water can never be fully stressed.

21. Cindition a child for politeness or courtesy. A child's request must be preceded by "please." Likewise any request granted a child should be followed by "thank you, I'm grateful." A child should in turn be taught to demand courtesy from anyone who requests a kind gesture from them.

22. Condition a child for gratitude. A child must be conditioned to respond to every kind act with grateful thanks and demand same from others too.

23. Represent God well to a child. You are your child's "visible God!" Make God happy by directing your children and household after you to follow the ways of the LORD by obeying all his commands. Then expect God to bring about all the blessings he promised to those who like Abraham make God proud of them. God boasted about Abraham in his time; can he boast about you today

24. Avoid overprotecting a child and being permissive. You gain nothing spoiling your child. Pampering is a sure way of spoiling a child. Treat all children with equal respect and loving discipline.

25. Always praise a child for every positive attempt and achievement. This is quite different from pampering. Always give a good word to a child. It is a necessary reinforcement for a child's proper development.

26. Condition a child for possession or ownership. Let a child know from the outset what is provided for them that should belong to them alone. Condition a child to handle their belongings with care and rapt attention as well as protect such from aggressors or thieves. Condition a child to respect other person's belongings. They must seek the permission or cooperation of others to borrow from them what belongs to the others. They should equally demand such permission or cooperation from others who would want to borrow from their own belongings.

27. Condition a child for giving or sharing. A child should be guided away from possessiveness into letting go what belongs to them voluntarily or on polite requests from others in need. Condition a child to know that some occasions may demand their forfeiting what belongs to them in order to help others in need as a matter of sacrifice, or respect for an adult person. A child could be conditioned for the practice of tithing early enough as a mark of reverence for God the creator and a practice of worship (tithe means one-tenth of all the harvest or receipts a person gets over a period of time, often on yearly basis).

28. Condition a child for faith in God Almighty, the creator of all. Invite the child to investigate the person of God from all the objects of creation found in their environment. Condition a child to learn the attributes of God and the need for the child to worship God. Condition a child to learn about God's loving commandments and promises and their need to obey God's commands. Tell a child the story of Jesus Christ and other Bible stories and watch how the God-factor in the human person resonates in the child's little being. Let a child learn that faith simply means one doing whatever God says they should do. God said in Deuteronomy chapter six, verses one to nine to teach the child at every given opportunity and time.

29. Condition a child to pray. Ensure that a child participates in the family devotions and other times of prayer no matter the short attention span they display. This means a child may be on and off within the same period of devotion or prayer. Never mind, and never allow the child to be totally distracted or constitute a distraction for the rest members of the family.

30. Condition a child to sing. Music is another phenomenon which reveals the mystery of the God-factor in man. It is fascinating to note that a child usually learns to sing and dance before they learn to talk effectively. The baby's ability to sing, just as their ability to cry, is one of the marvels of God's power in creation. Sing to the child from day one and get relief from unreasonable cries of the baby.

These, then, are some simple but powerful ideas that have helped many-a-parent succeed in the proper upbring of their children. All parents are encouraged to learn and apply these interesting ideas to raise their children to become useful for a better society.