It is understandable that character molding has become an age-long hard work which has nearly become impossible in most countries of the third world and beyond. This is so because there has been no schools for the tutoring of prospective parents. People generally find themselves grown up and
join the bandwagon of marriage and procreation without giving any thought to
the ways and means of training their children for development of acceptable
characters, attitudes and behaviors in a given society. Many are aware of the influence of
the environment on the general behavior of inhabitants of a given place. Hence, some have abandoned their parental roles for societal pressures hoping that
anyone can find the right direction for themselves. This error is the
fundamental reason for the crises of character traits in most contemporary
societies.
We will begin to find solution to this in our attempt to
provide proven concepts and ideas for proper parenting from the point of view of experts in
family life education.
As I grew of age and observed the dangers of delinquency and
deviance in any one's life I committed to the study of the requirements for
good family living and achievement of good character traits in particular offspring. To me
then, the reference made about trees and fruit bearing was all about parents and
their children. That is when I came across the expression "like father
like son" I would paraphrase it as "a good tree bears good fruit or a
bad tree bears bad fruit". I resolved never to be a bad tree or parent as
the case may be.
In the course of my studies I discovered that it is not all
grownups that are parents although all grownups can be biological fathers and
mothers. Why, because no one gives what they do not have. Unless someone is
mature enough both marriage and parenting would be only dabbling into
impossible adventure. The irony is that such people somehow expect to get
result when they made no meaningful input efforts. In reality no one can reap what they
did not sow unless a thief. A careful study of society shows a group of people
who sowed little or nothing yet hope to reap bountifully. Impossible! What then? We must get it right: Parenting is a serious
business and proper parenting must be godly parenting because man is not an
accidental being but a well-defined creature. When the creator is brought into
perspective then we can find the road map he provided for the achievement of
his divine purpose. All about what is good and what is bad is for him to
determine and the process defined by him too. In terms of marriage and child
upbringing, he has detailed instructions which we can follow for our own good.
In one instance he regretted creating man yet in another he made a boastful
statement about a man by name Abraham. Said he, "For I have chosen him, so
that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of
the LORD by doing what is right and just...." (Genesis chapter eighteen,
verse nineteen). This statement is crucial for all parents because it serves as
the blueprint from the creator with respect to the objectives of parenting and
expectations from parents as well as their responsibilities.
Who is a parent? Let's begin with who a parent is not.
A parent is not just a grownup who can engage an opposite
sex to procreate. A parent is not just about a person who is married. A parent
is not just someone who produced a child. A parent is not just any one who has
the wherewithal to provide material needs of a woman and her children born to
him. It is neither a woman who has the means to cater to a man’s needs and her
children's needs.
Again, we must establish who a parent is not. A parent is not just any
grown up male or female. A parent is not just any man or woman who gets into
the relationship that produces a baby. A parent is not just any one who finds
himself engaged in the contract of marriage in any of the forms approved by the
society. A parent is not just anyone who has the means to maintain a family. A
parent is not just any adult who can live together with another of the opposite
sex to produce children.
Now, parenting has to do with godliness. The God factor is
paramount because only God the creator has the ownership right over man. He has
the right to decide what is right and wrong and what can guarantee the
happiness of man according to his purposes. That is why he expressed grief over
his having created man when man indulged in "wickedness all the days of
his life". And that is why he initiated volumes of instructions and
judgments to ensure peace and happiness on earth. What we know as character
delinquency and deviance today is actually ungodliness or disobedience to God.
So, how do we ensure that upcoming offspring come out of this?
It is important to note that parents are seen by God as adults who have
become mature enough to marry. Maturity is all embracing. It involves all the
known dimensions of human existence namely: physical, psychological, emotional,
social and spiritual dimensions. Of all these, apparently, only the physical
dimension takes little or no effort on the part of the individual to take effect.
This explains why we have a lot of children who have occurred in unions of
immature people who are brandished by society as parents! Maturity of parents
fall outside the scope of this write-up but is worth the mention here to
establish the reason for much of the difficulties associated with the subject
of proper parenting. Obviously, no one gives what the one cannot afford or
possess.
Hence this subject is treated for the attention of those who are seen by
God as mature enough to marry, adults who are ready to take responsibility
for the proper upbringing of their God-given children as they live together in
a relationship characterized by love, under God. These parents will definitely
find in this write-up resources they will rejoice for if they are prepared to
do their part without doubt or argument.
This brings us to the issue of doubt and argument. I recall my
experience with most parents in the course of discussing this subject in
family-life groups especially in churches reputed for their spiritual fervor.
As one yet to marry then I was challenged to wait until I married before I
could guarantee the effectiveness or otherwise of the ideas I was trying to
sell as they seemed to turn blind eyes to the realities of day-to-day family
life with its obvious challenges.
However, I made it clear to anyone who had the patience to try that the
real challenge was actually their ability to overcome their doubts and drop
their arguments no matter how appealing, as the ideas were guaranteed by those
who had researched them for long enough time in many and varied circumstances
and practiced them with good results. I also promised them that I guaranteed
that I would employ the ideas in the training of my own children whenever I got
married and had my own children. Interestingly, I got married in 1989 and my
four children, two males and two females, are a guaranteeing testimony to the
efficacy of these simple but time-tested, God-given ideas. Now, dear reader,
you have a guarantee if you throw away your doubts and arguments, learn these
ideas and put them to use. They are working! In fact they have been working for
those who have the patience to try them out.
Although the issue of maturity of individuals who want to become parents
falls outside the scope of this book we want to discuss another aspect that has
formed a missing link in the life of parents who happen to marry and bear
children. We noted earlier that there are no institutions for training would be
parents before marriage, but there are necessary steps to take to get grown-ups
prepared for parenting as well as marriage. In most cases we see the attempt by
many to, at least, make preparations as they know best for marriage but hardly do
they give a thought to what are the necessary preparations for parenting they
have to make. In other words we have the culture that takes parenting for granted
just because we have seemingly prepared for marriage. Yet in preparing for
marriage preparing equally for parenthood is a sine qua non. How, then, should
adults prepare for parenthood as they prepare for marriage? There are several
sources of information available today unlike formerly for adults to obtain
necessary ideas for the art of parenting and marriage. From books, to
professionals versed in family life education to religious leaders, adults
should first of all recognize their need for information on parenting.
Here, we have tried to compress some of such information to suit the
scope of this concise book. Would be marriage partners must realize that their
successful partnership comes first before successful parenthood. What the
husband and wife do with themselves in fulfilling their marriage vows will be a
good resource for children born to them. The simple instructions of Scripture
in Ephesians chapter five, verses fifteen to thirty-three; Colossians chapter
three, verses fifteen to twenty-five; First Timothy chapter three, verses one
to six; First Peter chapter three, verses one through twelve; and Titus chapter
two, verses one through fourteen, provide solemn instructions to husband and
wife. The key words are for the husband, love, understanding, and consideration;
for the wife, respect, submission and gentleness and quietness of the spirit.
Then the children will grow up to observe these irresistible environmental
conditioners and have no natural option than to be of good character and
behavior.
Secondly, would be partners must understand why God gave children
parents. God provided parents for children so that they will cater for their
needs in all ramifications. He gave children parents so that they will love and
discipline them. Parents are meant to instruct their children. Parents ought to
encourage their children, bless them, provide for them, discipline them,
instruct them and set before them a Christ-like example. Note that a
Christ-like example is the greatest educational influence in the lives of
children. Parents are meant to protect their children from the encroachments of
society.
Thirdly, would be parents must be prepared to make their Christian life
affect their own family life. They must learn to communicate love, respect,
understanding and forgiveness which form the key to understanding
companionship. They must learn the difficult art of giving when we’d rather
receive, forgive when we’d rather nurse a grudge, and love when we’d rather be
loved, that moves us toward Christian maturity. That to create a family
situation where people feel mutually responsible for shepherding each other is
to make Christianity real at home.
Fourthly, would be parents must learn that parenting is a very difficult
art. Parents must neither be permissive nor repressive with their children.
They must learn the art of communication so that they would turn out to be good
parents. However, good parents draw a sharp line between free speech and
illegal conduct. How and when to set limits depends partly on the child’s age.
Limits require reasons but once clearly stated they should be enforced without
exception. Discipline must be genuine and seen to be so by children.
Fifthly, would be parents must make Jesus Christ real in their homes for
the benefit of their children. They themselves must accept the fact that Christianity
is not basically a habit pattern: attending certain scheduled church services,
doing what one felt to be one’s part in “service” to the church, using
ecclesiastical jargons, mixing socially with a circle of Christian friends, not
partaking of certain worldly vices, et al.
Parents should engage in individual and corporate study of Scriptures,
honest discussions, prayer, and reading Christian books to discover the
excitement of getting to know Jesus Christ personally and relating properly
with him to experience his love and the kind of life he wants to live through
them. Parents should begin early to influence their children to observe the
difference Jesus Christ makes in the lives of his followers and feel free to
equally relate to him like mom and dad have done.
Parents are to learn the very important Christian virtue of honesty and
feel free with each other and their children, even accepting when they wrong
each other and apologizing appropriately. Regular time with one another and
with Jesus Christ in devotional Bible study and prayer will set the stage to
teach the child and the parents that Jesus Christ can literally order their lives and
daily activities if allowed in their homes. Says J. Edgar Hoover: “There is but
one way to eliminate juvenile delinquency – that is by providing each child …
with competent parents”.
Sixthly, would be parents must not commit the usual crime against
children, that is, over-permissiveness. Parents must give basic sex education to their
children to forestall sexual promiscuity. The urge for instant satisfaction of
every desire must be curtailed in children by disciplined parents. Would be
parents then must know that both permissiveness and repressiveness are foolish.
Parents must learn not to overindulge their children. Neither should they
over-protect them nor repress them.
Having discussed the issue of parenting as a serious
business and having seen the God factor in parenting and having attempted to
explain who is not and who is a parent, we will go ahead from here to define
the roles of parents and how best they can play them for sure results bearing
the God factor in mind.
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