Motivating Ideas on How to Condition A Child for Positive Character Traits in Effective Parenting of Children in Their Formative Years.

The basic way to teach a child is by doing. A child cannot learn what he cannot do. Hence, the importance of having a good knowledge of child development and growth for each parent or prospective parent should be emphasized. Instructions are not, however, ruled out completely only the child should be guided by the proper conduct of the instructor, the parents. For instance, a lazy parent cannot expect to teach a child hard work without incident. Yet a hard working parent can only expect that the child would learn the trait without much ado and rightly so. Barring any external influence, a hard working parent can easily groom a hard working child. Only the positive should be presented to the child for emulation. Only positive instructions should be given to a child. That is, tell the child what he should do and not what he should not do. Say, "do this," "do that," and not, "don't do this," "don't do that." Negative instructions serve only to reinforce the natural bent which tends to do the wrong but enticing things unless restrained. A negative instruction is nothing but an invitation to the child for some kind of adventure. This means that if you tell a child what not to do, his mind would be running something like, "what is the reason for that restriction?" He would then succumb to the temptation posed by the restriction. That is why a child would keep reaching to even a burning flame, say of a lantern, while someone is shouting don’t touch it! He would, of course, touch it only to get the shock of the burn! He then begins to respond to the shock whenever he remembers it while at the same time insisting on doing what you ask him not to do! It is interesting to watch a child follow a positive instruction as if he was reacting to a reflex. Tell a child: "come here," and you see him springing to you, depending on his stage of development. "Bring me that thing," and you see the child reaching out to you with what he has. The child is running towards the open gate to dash out the street and hears you command him "stop there!" and watch him stop almost automatically. But try the opposite of such positive instructions to the child and get the drama of it all. At least, the child would hesitate if at all he would obey the negative instruction. Repetition of positive instructions and maintaining positive instructions until they are carried out is the sure way to help the child learn obedience without much stress. This is very important for every parent’s note. Parents are often victims of the temptation to call their children derogatory names with the intention of correcting a child’s natural bent. This has a very negative effect on the child’s psyche. Just like negative instructions, name-calling gives the child a picture of what he ought to be which is actually a contrast to the parent’s intention! A child whose parent often calls "goat" begins to feel that the image of goat is a good one and tends towards it! I recall my childhood experience in relation to my siblings who held my father’s first son in contempt for neglecting my mother who was his step mother. While trying to chide him then with respect to me they would comment that I resembled him.

I overheard them and gave it a positive interpretation. Hence, if they asked me as a matter of mockery, "who do you resemble?" I would answer that I resembled that my father’s first son and every one would laugh at me. For them they were calling me a bad name but to me I was trying to wear the bad name as a good image! That is the irony of name-calling. By the time I grew up and got the gist of the matter, it took much effort on my own part to counter the impression already prevailing against me with regard to that my father’s first son.

"Fool," "Mumu," "big head," "cry-cry baby," "long throat," "dirty boy," "thief," "liar," "lazy boy," to mention just a few, are such name-calling labels that should not be put on any child! The children would tend towards whatever names or labels they are given. In the place of name-calling or labeling, parents should reinforce all positive traits and actions of the child. Praising the child for an attempt to achieve a feat at his level of development is very important. Praising a child for an achievement does not spoil the child. What spoils the child is pampering or permissiveness and failure to discipline the child. Also overindulging the child is a spoiler. "Good boy," "beautiful," "keep it up," "good attempt," "well done," "give me your hand" (for a hand shake), "big boy," "strong boy," "clap for yourself," "give me high five," are expressions that can ginger a child to positive traits and actions and should be lavished on the child as occasions arise. There should be no reason for a parent to curse the child! The tongue has the power of life and death. We must not presume that what we say has no effect just because we may not witness it at once. Consider the fact that the whole world you see was created by just words. Yes, words from God. But it is written that we are gods too. At least we are spirits especially those who have believed in Jesus Christ and have received a new life. Of course we were warned by the Lord Jesus to mind what we say as every idle word would be brought to judgment. Parents should learn to bless their children and wish them well no matter their offenses. A child’s wrong doing should be corrected as discussed in previous chapters and blessings should be invoked on the child for his future well-being. Prayers for the children should include that of blessings for the children. Parents should note that God honors the words of their mouth concerning their children whether blessings or curses and should take advantage of it to invoke blessings on their children. Discipline is the watchword for correcting the child, and not cursing or rejection or any other negative reaction to a child’s wrong behavior.

Discipline should begin at the very early stage of the child’s life. From the mother, at breast-feeding, to the Father, at any point in time, the child needs correction. No wrong doing of the child should be neglected without correction! But the process of correction must take into account the child’s level of development, the natural bent and willful act of disobedience or misbehavior. The method of discipline depends on these factors: scolding instead of simple instruction would produce a negative result and should be avoided. Spanking may be necessary to correct both natural bent and willful misbehavior.

The use of the cane must be made with great caution and should be employed at the proper age and especially for willful wrong doing. Once a child begins to resist any form of discipline the parent must appraise the method and adjust promptly. A child normally responds to proper discipline while he reacts to improper ones. Employment of disciplinary measures on the child must not be half-hazard but consistent as well as considerate. It must not be vindictive or punitive but corrective. The child must be informed about the reason for the disciplinary measure and must see love on the part of his parents for him as the prior motive either before or after the measure is applied as the case may be. This is the basis of the instruction to "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." Discipline your child early enough and have rest or fail to do so and have no rest! We have noted at the very beginning that God is the creator and has authority over humans to determine proper attitudes, behaviors and characters of man. He made it clear in his promise to the patriarch, Abraham, that the blessing of children included the responsibility to give them proper upbringing. In the case of Abraham he had the confidence in him to train his children to fear God. Can God express the same confidence in you?

We also mentioned earlier that most parents have expressed frustration that their attempts to train their children in the fear of God did not yield the desired result.

Their frustration has been evident in their rejection of these tested and proven ideas as canvassed in this book through knowledge gained from numerous authors listed at the end of the book in the references. The writer had the assurance then that these ideas would work although he was yet a bachelor. The writer has the evidence now as a parent of four mixed children two each of the sexes. We can rely on God as we apply these ideas in the up-bringing of our children that they must work. God himself has been relying on us to train our children to fear him. And we cannot afford to fail him. We have said it over and over that no one can give what they do not have and we don’t expect to give our children what we don’t practice as a matter of lifestyle. Here we need to emphasize the necessity for exemplary living for the children to have ease of access to proper conduct. It is ungodly to demand from our children to live the way we have not lived ourselves. And it is a paradox to expect our children to live the way they have not observed us living. The conflict of our lifestyle with our instructions obviously cannot be resolved by their young minds. Hence they will vehemently revolt against our disciplinary measures aimed at enforcing proper behaviors by them. Perhaps this is the source of the frustration of the parents who were skeptical about the success promised for the application of principles canvassed in this book which were actually communicated to them on one-on-one basis and privileged class sessions. Interestingly, their frustrations could not remove them from delighting in the writer's own children when they lived to witness the results of applying these ideas on them. Hence, making them firsthand witnesses of the power of godly ideas and lifestyle.