Motivating Ideas on What to Condition A Child for in Effective Parenting of Children in Their Formative Years.

Teaching is the art of communicating with a person with the view of imparting knowledge of relevant concepts, precepts, ideas and attitudes in order to encourage behavioral changes in the recipient. Now, parents happen to be the primary teachers of children in this case. Hence, it is important to teach the teachers of our children what to aim at imparting in the young developing minds. In this instance, the word teaching as it applies to children in formative years actually refers to Conditioning. There is a concept by earlier psychologists that the child's mind is like a clean slate (tabla-rasa) and teachers are at liberty to write whatever they wanted to impart on the child's mind so as to achieve some expected results. On the surface, this theory appears attractive and has succeeded in catching the attention of earlier teachers too. But a very close look at the theory may reveal otherwise unless the child had been designed as a robot by the creator, which, however, is not the case. At creation, the story is that the man was made in the image and likeness of the creator and also received from him freedom of choice and wilful powers too. Even ordinary animals without a mind do not have a clean slate as they have noticeable instincts. We have alluded to the fact that the child already has a natural bent by inheritance which conditoning by parents must seek to direct for positive results, in our discussion on the proper roles of parents. Parenting has a proper timing for the provision of necessary impetus for the positive development of the child. We have said that researchers discovered that a child forms his complete personality within the first three to five years of development. Nothing can be easily added or subtracted from this formation in other years except for the physical convention of growth. This fact is very crucial for any parent who wants to succeed at proper upbringing of their children. It is such ingredients of character and behavior that we will attempt to explore to properly equip parents that desire positive results. First and foremost, condition a child for obedience. OBEDIENCE: Whether a child has good behavior or bad is usually determined by the ability of the child to obey simple instructions. How does a parent condition a child for this? We have noted that from the mother's side and right from birth the child should be told what to do and not what not to do. Instructions like "do not bite me," if the child is sucking her mother's breast, or "do not touch it," when he is reaching out to a dangerous thing like fire or a sharp object, don't achieve the desired results, thanks to research findings by experts. We noted that a child interpreted a negative command as a challenge or at best a call to adventure. What will be the outcome if I do? That is what would be ringing in the child's mind. On the other hand a child has no time for such reasoning when it comes to a positive command although in some cases he shows some reluctance and that implies that he had been used to negative commands before then or the natural bent is at play. "Stop there," "come here," "say good morning," "go there," "bring it to me," "say thank you," "say yes," "run," "eat," "watch out," and the likes of such routine instructions work like miracles and help the child to develop the virtue of obedience in an environment he is surrounded with such in a sustained manner. In the case when a child shows reluctance, the parent should be wise enough to insist on the positive instruction until the child makes up his mind to comply. Non-compliance should be replied with a proper disciplinary measure including spanking after the repeated positive instruction is violated by the child. A parent who is not ready to insist on obedience to positive instructions must not give it in the first place and should not expect that the child would begin to obey him later in life as this has been proved impracticable. A child usually grows with the personality he forms in the first three to five years of his life, according to experienced experts. Note that obedience is the foremost character building block for the developing child and must be achieved very early in the child's life so that he can grow with it. Such a child will eventually become a darling of any society he finds himself. We already know that a child sees more than he hears and that explains in part why positive instructions are most powerful. To establish the culture of obedience for the child, parents must also exemplify the same virtue of obedience when it is their turn to do so. A parent that rejects positive requests from a child is not helping him to learn obedience. It has been said that we should start children off on the way they should go, yet we must go that way ourselves if the child must follow us. These virtues we are considering are not necessarily in chronological order but should be inculcated in the child as opportunities come to address them. The virtue of obedience is fundamental to the child’s proper development and deserves some detail. Obedience is expected after a command is given. Parents should take instructions given to the child seriously. The feeling that it is only a child and he will learn later is the beginning of failure to inculcate obedience in the child. A child grows with whatever it gets used to and would likely find it difficult, if not impossible, to adjust later in life. No wonder the wise man said in the Biblical Proverbs to ‘Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it,’ Although the way in reference is particularly the way of God, a child will very likely retain any form of training he receives as he grows. A warning is very important at this point – never give a child any instruction you are not serious about. And the corollary – never allow a child to ignore your instruction, that is, ensure that you always follow through any instruction you give to a child! Following through means that you recognize that you are talking to a child and must be willing to give him the necessary encouragement to heed the instruction he has received. This issue will be revisited in the chapter on how to condition a child. Children should be conditioned to obey without question, and when necessary, without waiting for any explanation. Obedience must be instant obedience, without any argument. We have begun exploring the things to condition a child for in their formative years (age one to three to five years) so that they would grow with them. We discussed obedience first. A child must be made to obey instructions without asking for explanation or timing. Obedience must be instant and without hesitation. This is achieved by only giving positive instructions to the child. Do's and not don’ts must be told a child. A child responds to what he hears as if to be applauded when he does. Hence negative instructions constitute confusion for the child as he is not mature enough to understand the difference. That is, a child acts on go even when he hears don’t go. It is as simple as that. A child who grows with such “disobedience” eventually interprets such negative instructions as invitation to adventure. Why won’t I be allowed to do? This confusion turns out as disobedience as the child has already developed the tendency to do what he hears, for praise or reinforcement. Conditioning a child could be the most challenging aspect of parenting. Conditioning a child could be assumed to be the most important aspect of parenting judging from God’s point of view as we have the clue in God’s observation about Abraham as one who would teach his children. God equally transfers parental blessings or curses in some cases to their offspring. We see this in the Ten Commandments written in the Old Testament of the Bible and also in the New Testament instructions to parents in relation to their children. In addition to the spiritual dimension which places great premium on child upbringing, the social dimension has been evident in contemporary societies. All the delinquencies of our societies have been blamed on the failure of parents to train their children to become useful members of the society. But it is also evident that most parents are unaware of what is proper to condition children for and how to get it done. This is as a result of the level of maturity of the parents in question and how knowledgeable they are as no one can give what they do not have. A mature parent must have derived from proper parenting processes while the immature parent must be the reverse. We will attempt to outline basic virtues to inculcate in a child emphasizing the fact that no one should assume that the child is too young to learn and should be left to learn ‘after’ they have grown. We have earlier stressed the fact that a child’s personality is formed within the first three to five years of life and this should inform our need to guide the growing child from the outset taking note of the child’s level of development. Right from the initial breastfeeding by the mother every opportunity should be utilized to inculcate necessary virtues on a child gradually as they develop basic human senses in their process of growth. We are continuing the exploration of other virtues to inculcate in a child although not in strict order of preference. Let us consider RESPECT: Condition a child for respect. This derives from the unconditional love the child receives from the parents. A child must be guided to show proper respect for the parents and others he relates to as a matter of obligation. Condition a child to respect the rights and belongings of others. In that case a child must be conditioned to know what his own rights are and why his own rights must be respected. Condition a child to show respect for constituted authority. This takes us to a similar virtue, courtesy. COURTESY: Condition a child to be courteous. Condition a child to begin his requests with “please” and show gratitude for whatever he receives with “thank you.” A child should not be given any request unless he starts with “please” and should be denied further attention or request unless he learns to say “thank you” for everything he receives. Condition a child to show deference to persons of opposite sex. Boys should be taught to show deference to girls and vice versa. A child must learn to submit to constituted authority as a matter of respect and lawfulness. We are continuing the exploration of other virtues to inculcate in the child although not in strict order of preference. Let us consider gratitude. A child should be asked to express appreciation for every good thing he receives including commendation or praise. "Say thank you" is a familiar command usually given to a child after something is given to him. How to ensure that a child learns it is to insist and sustain the instruction until the child begins to express gratitude without priming or reluctance or both. The corollary to this is that the same child that receives should be asked to give back some of what he received to express the same gratitude in a practical way. By the time the child feels reluctant to give back and the parent succeeds in persuading him to learn to give back, the child will have learnt the reason he is to appreciate a giver seeing that it is not easy to give out something to someone else. These virtues we are considering are not necessarily in chronological order but should be inculcated in the child as opportunities come to address them. Now, a child should be conditioned for giving as a virtue of its own. Parents have good opportunity to exemplify giving to a child as the child is totally dependent on them. Hence, it is not too hard to condition a child to give to others too. As we remarked earlier, a child should be conditioned to give both in appreciation of what he receives and as a matter of kindness and love for others. The parent must employ the proper method of instruction as discussed much earlier always. Halfhearted instructions should be avoided by parents if they are to achieve good results in training their children.

From conditioning a child to give, we now move on to the next: condition a child for possession or ownership. A child should learn to acknowledge what belongs to him different from what belongs to others. A child should be made to protect his own belongings as well as respect other people's belongings. This is important for peace to reign in the environment. A child should be conditioned to know what belongs to him and guided to protect his own belongings from aggressors. He must be conditioned not to be aggressive himself. A child would naturally complain and react to acts of aggression by others, hence, the child must be guided to follow due process in his yearning for the recovery of his belonging from an aggressor without engaging in a fight. In this case we don’t share the idea of conditioning a child to retaliate when they are wronged. I know it is better to encourage a child to report to an older folk who should ensure that justice is done and seen to be done in each case. A child should equally be conditioned to share what belongs to them with others who make polite requests. They should be taught to be polite in asking for what belongs to others by saying ‘please’ when requesting from them.

FORGIVENES: This is the act of giving up the feeling of resentment against someone who offends us. It also means giving up claim to something given in return, compensation or retaliation against an offender. A child should be conditioned to seek for due processes of getting redress when offended. Yet justice is not always guaranteed through such due processes because of human inadequacies, hence, forgiveness takes up the vacuum created by injustice or offenses that could not be easily redressed. It must be stressed here that resentment harbored instead of forgiveness does more harm to the individual in whom it is harbored than to the one targeted! That is, we do ourselves the favor of forgiving and not only the offender!

This leads us naturally to the next virtue – LOVE: Love as a natural phenomenon can easily be inculcated to the child by a loving parent. We have mentioned this earlier that a couple that loves each other would have little problem training their children whether in terms of discipline or love as the case may be. Children respond to love much as they do to hate! Just as respect is reciprocal so also is love. And love is a by-product of respect just as respect is the indicator of love, according to psychologists. Hence, conditioning a child to love simply derives from the loving attitude of the parents and not on any set of instructions or rules. Love must be the underlying factor for all aspects of child training. Parents must ensure that they love enough to allow their children develop this all important trait of life and existence. We must repeat here that no one can give what they do not have. To condition your child for love you must love and a child would naturally copy your love traits without any difficulty. A child should be encouraged to love himself and others beginning with their parents and other siblings and God the creator. What is love? Love is practically demonstrated through patience, kindness, absence of envy, boasting, pride, dishonoring others, self-seeking, and easy anger. Love does not keep record of wrongs, does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails. This, then, is the guarantee.

TRUTHFULNESS: Condition a child to always tell the truth. Immature parents are the only ones that will assume that truth will implicate the child. Truth is rather a very powerful weapon in real life and has been proved to be constant. No one gives what they do not have. A parent who is a liar himself should not expect to be able to condition a child to tell the truth. A truthful parent would rather find it natural to do so. Parents must desist from telling lies to their children or before them. The practice of trying to deceive a child thereby fooling him for his innocence should have no place in the process of training the child or in relationship with the child. A child must be intimated with the fact that all liars must be caught and punished and that whoever takes a crooked path must be found out by God the creator and judge of all, himself! Also a child must be made to understand that lie is the native language of Satan, according to Jesus Christ, hence persons who tell lies actually identify themselves with Satan’s nativity! It is as serious as that.

HONESTY: Condition a child for the virtue of honesty. Honesty remains not only the best policy but also the right policy. All of us are suffering the results of dishonesty all over the society. It began with the bad parenting of all the culprits and the ripple effects have been here with us. We can reverse the trend by returning to the age-long and time-tested virtue of honesty which costs nothing but gains everything by teaching it to our children.

FAITH: Condition a child to learn to exercise faith – simple trust in the existence of God and our obligations to him as our creator. There is no specified time and place to draw a child’s attention to the fact of God. As the child begins to explore his environment parents should find the times and places that become available to present God to the child. This of course implies that the parent has adequate faith in the God he presents to his child as hypocrisy would be counter-productive. No one can lead someone else to a place he himself is not ready to go. Moreover, the father is God’s representative in the family as the head of the family. Hence, he must be able to act ‘God’ for the child to be able to relate well to the unseen God. A father’s misrepresentation of God to the child is to say the least catastrophic and this explains the crises we have in society today. The father should lead the family in devotion to God through prayer, Bible study, obedience and worship, not as a routine but as a matter of lifestyle. As family prayers are answered the child is encouraged to trust God as one who answers prayers of his children and hence learns to depend on him.

TRUST: Children should be conditioned to learn to trust. First they should be encouraged to trust their ability to learn to do things as they develop interest in such things they have not done before. Their first attempts should be greeted with praise and not jeering or laughing at them. Parents can make themselves points of reference for the child’s trust by being reliable for the child’s trust not to suffer disappointment especially with the initial encounters. This, then, can be related to God and how we do trust him for everything in life. With trust comes the need for patience when it takes time for the expectation of the child to be met. The child’s endurance should not be stretched beyond proper limits as this can cause discouragement to replace the ability to trust. A child should be compensated for enduring while trusting so as to encourage the child to keep trusting. We have said it again and again that no one gives what he does not have. Hence, only a trusting as well as trustworthy parent can influence the child positively to learn to trust.

CLEANLINES: Cleanliness we all know is said to be next to Godliness. We have earlier posited that proper parenting is godly parenting. Godly parents must have learnt the art of neatness and can easily influence their children to learn simple habits of neatness. From simple washing of hands before and after eating just anything to scheduled bathing times to washing of children’s clothes before their very eyes so that it would not be difficult for them to initiate attempts to do the washing even as toddlers until they can do it themselves at the earliest tender age and through to grown up age. Children should be encouraged to stay clean without stifling their childhood tendencies – the natural bent. Mouth washing should be introduced at the proper age and regular times observed. Trimming of finger and toe nails should be done regularly for the child and the practice taught the child at the proper age. The child’s environment should be kept clean and the need for keeping the environment clean impressed on the child at the proper age. A child should be conditioned to keep the spaces in the house or cars they occupy properly aerated and well ventilated and be kept in such condition as a matter of training and proper up-bringing. This practice of keeping children away from fresh air in the pretext that they may catch cold should be discarded. The child should be made to understand the need for cleanliness not only as a means of healthy living but also as a mark of respect for God.

RESPONSIBILTY: A child should be guided to become a responsible member of the society. This is the essence of all the other character traits which the child is encouraged to develop. Apart from becoming useful to them, good character traits help the child to relate effectively and beneficially to the other members of society beginning with the immediate environment of the child. Parents may notice a child attempting any task he observes and must not stop the child’s attempt as repeated stops gives the child the signal that he should avoid such tasks. The irony of this is that later on when the same parents want the child to perform such tasks as a matter of responsibility the child resents attempting the same tasks they had initially shown interest in. When parents fail to condition their children to work as a matter of responsibility, they will grow up to feel that work means suffering and will resent it. However, it is clearly stated for godly living that ‘whoever does not work should not eat’. Hence, as work has been put in our lives, we must teach our children to put life in their work too. We will deal in details natural ways to condition a child for anything in another  chapter of this ebook.

REGULAR HABITS: Children must be conditioned for regular habits for happiness and usefulness. Happiness, success and character all depend very largely upon a good set of habits developed in childhood. Parents should take particular pains to establish regularity in their homes and children should be taught to do regular things at regular times without many exceptions. Children should be conditioned to learn that everything should be kept in its place and that there should be a given place for everything. Children should be conditioned to shut the door behind them after opening the door and entering a room, especially an office. Children should be conditioned to go to bed at regular times without complaint; to have good habits of personal cleanliness; to be orderly and neat about their clothes and belongings. This way, children are conditioned to be responsible for their acts, to carry their own part of the burden of Christian living in a home and in the society. Children should be conditioned to follow a schedule for certain activities and how to draw such schedules for themselves. This will help them when they start school especially during their regular preps at school or at home. Every parent should bear well in mind that character must be built in the home, day by day, line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little until a responsible adulthood is achieved. There is no better alternative! And there is assurance of abundant rewards.